I’m trying to keep from panicking

My job ends next week. It isn’t a surprise. I knew it was possible for over a year, probable for months, and I got my formal lay off notice 11 weeks ago. So I’ve been looking for work slowly. I’ve applied for a few jobs. The first job I applied for in May, I felt really good about the interview and was turned down very positively by the manager because I lacked experience. Since then I haven’t had any responses to my application.

Before I spent years in therapy discussing my life and getting in touch with my emotions I appeared to be a fairly competent and confident person. I might have been racked with anxiety and fear or sadness or I might have battled nightmares and flashbacks all night but when I got to work I was fine. I could count on the fact that when I needed to I could get things done. When I was in graduate school I had to give regular talks and presentations. I hated it. I couldn’t sleep or eat for days before and it didn’t matter how well prepared I was or how many successful talks I had given each one seemed impossible before I started. I used to pace in halls outside of the room I had to speak in because I couldn’t stand still and watch people sit down without feeling like I had to run or hide or be sick. When I started talking I was completely different. I was calm, and spoke calmly and clearly, I answered questions and interacted with people like I was having a great time (I often did). People who saw me prepare and anxious would comment on how I seemed like a different person.

That calm, competent person used to show up when I needed to get things done, or be in a job interview, or be entertaining in a group of people. That person was almost always there. I thought I was that person. The person who couldn’t sleep, was anxious or sad, who stayed home and hid from everyone seemed like an interloper. I thought when I grew up, or got married, or lost weight, or started therapy, or whatever magical thing I thought would fix me, happened then I would only be the confident, functional, successful person.

The problem is that I can’t count on the competent person showing up anymore. Sometimes she does show up, like she did in my interview in May. Other times I just can’t do what I should be doing. I learned how to say no to requests and how to judge myself less harshly when I need a break or to take a step back. That was a good thing in my life generally but now I feel like I need the person who could be “on” when she had to and I can’t find her all the time. I’m afraid I’m losing access to the competent me and will end up becoming only the person who hides from the world.

Exhausted and almost numb except for the ache in my chest

Tonight I had an 1.5 hour session with M. He asked me if I could come an hour earlier tonight because he had a cancellation and I agreed and asked if we could have a longer session. I was sure he would say no but he said we could. Instantly I felt anxious, what if it was one of those sessions where I couldn’t speak? How long would it feel? How much crying could I take? I had a lot to talk about.

I saw a webinar by Dr. Janina Fisher on Shame and Self-Loathing in the Treatment of Trauma last week that gave me lots to think about. I had tried to talk to M about it and eventually asked if he would watch it. He suggested we watch it together and then discuss it which felt too difficult. There was a lot of things she suggested in the video that are very different from how M does therapy. I think the approach she discussed would be helpful but it seems wrong to ask M to change how he does things so it felt difficult to watch the video with him. Even so I went tonight with my laptop which has the webinar stored on it in case we decided to watch it. I also spent a couple hours making notes from the 50 minute presentation and summarizing them in an easy to read format so we could discuss what I found interesting. I always prepare for my sessions which doesn’t seem to matter when I sit down and find myself confused and frozen, struggling to say anything at all.

After a difficult start in which I told him I didn’t know if I wanted to watch the video and I didn’t know what to talk about. Finally I asked M what he thought I should talk about which caused him to laugh out loud because there is no shortage of things to talk about and I know he won’t choose a topic for me. Eventually M told me that I have been stuck in the same place for awhile. I can’t seem to talk about anything that is important to me except to mention it. I am frequently frustrated with him, how he responds, or what he does. I keep telling him that therapy is too hard for me, that it is torturous and I need to find a way to make it more manageable. Finally he said what I’ve been dreading even while I’ve been marshaling the arguments to support it. He said if there was something about him, how he thought or spoke, or that he couldn’t give me the support I wanted and needed, then I should find someone else to work with because I shouldn’t be muzzled.

We kept talking. I asked if he had made a decision about stopping therapy and he said NO he hadn’t. I asked him why he asked to watch the video if he was going to talk about me finding a new therapist. He said that this was my agenda and he was talking about it because I had been talking about it or around it for months. He is right I have been but I kept hoping that he would be able to help me through this impasse and being angry at him that he couldn’t. We discussed how much I prepare because I’m trying to do therapy right so he won’t leave me and how scared I am that I’m failing. As gently as he could he told me that I couldn’t actually control what would happen in a session by preparing and planning for it. He said therapy, like life is something that can’t be controlled and that trying to control it and failing left me feeling more vulnerable.

We agreed that when we met next Monday we would talk more about how and why I try to control and contain things (him, my emotions, my speech, my reactions) in therapy. I don’t know if I can and what if I try, really try and still can’t?

Acceptance – is it active or passive?

I’ve continued to talk to M about my intense need for approval and it has been difficult and shame filled for me. When M has talked about the way everyone has needs and that it is part of being human I told him I felt like he is telling me that I’m making a big deal out of nothing and I shouldn’t find it so difficult. So then he told me that I was extremely emotionally neglected and so was taught that my needs were not okay. I said everyone was taught that as children and he said yes to some degree but I had it much worse. He has a way of phrasing things that don’t sound like he empathizing to me. Instead I feel like he is telling me I’m damaged or broken. I’m not sure what he means until we discuss things further usually in another session after I’ve struggled with feeling unsupported. He also has a way of asking questions that confuse and irritate me instead of making statements that I can follow. For example last week he started a session by asking me if there was a way we could continue the discussion without torturing me. At one point when I was struggling with talking freely, he asked if I would be further ahead if I left the session without talking. At the time I heard these questions has an indictment of how I do therapy which made it more difficult to talk. After I left I realized that he was trying to help me and I wrote him an email saying if he was trying to encourage me to talk maybe he could try reminding me that he was trying to help me. I’ve rephrased things before and it seems a futile and possibly insulting request. So I tried something different.

Before my second session last week, I emailed M and asked him if we could try a session where he wouldn’t ask me any questions and he could only make statements. I would try to talk but if I was silent he wouldn’t question me about it. The session felt very different. M realized very quickly that almost everything he wants to say is a question and so had to stop himself from talking often. I realized that if I stopped talking he wasn’t going to ask me the “right” question to allow me to say what I wanted to say. I also didn’t have think about what his “wrong” question really meant or implied so I just thought of what I wanted to say. I also looked at him more than ever before. I can rarely look M in the eyes while I am talking and that was still true but when I wasn’t talking I looked at him. I didn’t realize how much I avoided him because I didn’t want him to see my reaction when he asked me a question.

The main point I struggled to make was about our recent discussion where M pointed out that I spend a lot of time trying to discern his judgement of me and he tries not to hold judgments about me (or any of his clients) because he doesn’t think judging people is helpful. I told him that I understood what he was trying to do and I think it sounded amazing in theory but in practice I found it so difficult that we spent hours of time talking about what he meant/implied/thought of me or my feelings and very little time on the issues that I brought into therapy. I suggested, hesitantly, that maybe I wasn’t capable of functioning in a judgement-free place much like developmentally I don’t think small children can function without a person giving them positive feedback. I was afraid that when I finally expressed this incredible ly brilliant analysis of the impasse we continually reach in therapy (please read the intended sarcasm inherent in this idea) that he would immediately agree with me and talk about ending therapy and me finding a therapist whose personal style would provide more positive approval. It didn’t happen that way.

Instead M suggested that what I (as all people do) needed was an acceptance of where I was and how I was feeling. He agreed I spent a lot of time trying to discern his thoughts and feelings about me because I believe most of the time that he is judging me but is not expressing those judgments clearly and instead they were coming out in his communication style. He thought I spent a lot of time confused about how things were between us; was he angry? frustrated? thinking of quitting? and that I needed to ask him about his feelings so I could be sure of the state of our relationship. I told him I didn’t think I was capable of asking him what he meant by things immediately because I am frequently confused and feel out of sorts but don’t recognize that his question was the start of feeling misunderstood or indicted. I told him I understood that I needed to check my assumptions about his feelings when I realized it but that I thought his acceptance of me could be an active practice for him. That is where we left the discussion so what do you think: is acceptance active or passive for you? do you show people that you accept them or assume they know it unless they ask? how about the people who accept you? do you feel their actions show that acceptance?

What I want M to do to comfort me

First I want to apologize for my last post.  I wrote it on the wordpress app on my device and I don’t understand the settings and it seemed like it changed a lot of words and destroyed some of the meaning.  So sorry if you spent time trying to figure it out.

During my session tonight we talked about how I felt like I would stop feeling alone and abandoned if M would sit closer to me or be willing to touch me in a safe and comforting manner.  He talked about how wanting that made sense and how touch was an important way to communicate acceptance and presence in a lot of different relationships including therapy for some therapists but that wasn’t how he felt about it.  He asked me if there was something else I thought he could do that would help me feel less alone.  I couldn’t tell him all the things I think about.  They are too childish, too needy, and so stupid.  When I didn’t answer he suggested that maybe what I could do was tell him when I wanted him to move closer to me or touch me and tell him I was angry or upset that he wouldn’t.  He said then at least he would know what I wanted and then we could explore how and why I was feeling alone.

Later on I told him I didn’t want to tell him what I thought would help because he wouldn’t be willing to do it and getting told NO would be painful.  I didn’t tell him I was too ashamed.  He thought for awhile and then he told me he thought he had been pretty responsive to my requests and so he wondered why I was so sure he would say no.  I told him he was very responsive to the adult me because she’s rational and reasonable and can speak.  I said he wasn’t responsive to the child me because … and then I got confused and said.  It makes sense because I’m an adult now.  M admitted that there are times that he doesn’t have any idea how to reach the child part of me (and the adult too) and then he listed the things he has done to communicate with the child part of me: we’ve sat on the floor together, we’ve played a game and worked on a puzzle together. he’s called me even though we both know that what I am talking about can wait until the next session but I have just wanted to talk to him.  I cringed inside the entire time he talked.  I felt ashamed about asking for things even when he agreed to them.

So here is the list of things I wish M would do:

1) I wish he would give me a stuffed animal to hold when I’m upset

2) I wish he would express that he wanted to comfort me; that he wanted things to be easier for me.

3) I wish we could colour together during sessions

4) I wish he would talk to me more when I feel stuck and can’t talk but not ask me questions or give me a lot of information.  I wish he tell me what he observed about me (you seem to be hiding instead of are you feeling ashamed) or about what he was thinking (I’d like to hear more about how you feel) or that he would talk me through that stuck place like it was a flashback (you are safe int he present;)

 

Despair and hopelessness

i hate how I feel right now. There is nothing wrong but there is also nothing that feels okay. I went into my session with M today and thought about the last few days and didn’t want to tell M any of it.  I didn’t want to talk about my birthday and how I felt bad all day. I didn’t want to tell him about the huge fight with my eldest daughter where I completely lost my shit and swore at her.  I apologized but I don’t think it matters. I’ve already damaged my children in ways I can’t repair.

M asked me how I was feeling about therapy and I told him I hadn’t been thinking about it. He wondered if I still felt it was hopeless. I said sure but if I don’t think about it then I am not upset.  He asked if I wanted to talk about how to end therapy and I didn’t. I’ve lost any feeling about wanting to end in a good way or looking for a new T to try working with in a different way. I don’t think things can change. I don’t know when I’m going to quit therapy. It still feels terrible to stop seeing M but it also feels pretty bad to see him and actively not want to talk to him anymore. I keep hoping it will become clear to me it is time to quit but so far it just continues to be excruciating and hopeless.

M talked about how I felt he didn’t care because he didn’t act in a way that I expected him to when I was in pain. I said I realized that he cared and that is why I had made the distinction between caring and comforting.   He said we should talk about what I wish he would do to comfort and what he felt able to do. I think we already have talked about it. He said it would be difficult to recognize what else could be comforting if I was only thinking about what I thought would be comforting and couldn’t get. I agreed with him. I don’t know how he thinks I can change and be more open to being comforted in different ways.  I don’t like feeling hopeless. I am not choosing feeling like there is no to talking about anything. I wish I felt like talking to him even if I just wanted to tell him how hurt I am by him constantly suggesting that I’m refusing him comforting me like I’m doing it on purpose.

At the end of the session I was talking about feeling like therapy couldn’t change. M asked me if there wasn’t a part of me that felt like it was possible for things to change. He is always trying to help me see that I have conflicting feelings about things and that my feelings aren’t all or nothing like they feel to me. Usually he just tells me that in a statement like “part of you feels like therapy can’t change and another part of you does think change is possible.”  Today he asked me and I sat for a bit trying to listen to myself and then I told him I didn’t know but it felt like there was no part of me that thought things could change. If that part exists it is hiding pretty deep right now.

What is M’s theory of therapy?

A few weeks ago I had a session with a consult T to discuss the impasse I kept having with M where I reached the point that I felt like he didn’t understand me and wasn’t trying anymore.  After I talked and cried for most of the session, the T (who called herself a relational psychotherapist) told me that it sounded like M didn’t get me in some visceral sense and while I got a lot of things from M, when I felt the most alone, young, and bereft, I didn’t feel like M was with me.  She told me that she felt sorry that it was so difficult for me and that I deserved to have feel understood and accepted when I was in so much pain.  Then she suggested that one way to work with the feeling of being alone and misunderstood which was originally from my childhood would be to give up trying to get M to understand and soothe me and instead grieve the fact that he didn’t.  It was a painful to hear and I told M about the consult afterwords.  M asked me a lot of questions about what it was like to feel alone and misunderstood.

Today, M summarized my feelings about the impasse we keep hitting.  He said that I felt like he should do something to break though the impasse, something that showed he cared and was trying to help and that in the past I’ve suggested moving closer or touch or him telling me he cared explicitly none of which seems to be how he works. I agreed with how he describe things and told him so.  Then he tells me that he discussed it with two colleagues that he considers friends and they both think touching me when I am withdrawn and upset wouldn’t be helpful and they felt protective about him. That is all he says and he waits for my reaction. I say thank you for telling me. He asks for more and I tell him I don’t see any reason to say anymore. He asks if I mean about this topic or if I meant generally.

I tell him both. Then I say that I don’t think I can get over his colleagues being protective of him which suggests they think I am dangerous and I didn’t appreciate the fact that he managed to discuss the whole topic without mentioning what he thought and felt. I said I could find therapists who would say therapeutic touch was very helpful but it wouldn’t matter because he had made up his mind. Then he continued on to say no one suggested I was dangerous and he didn’t think I was, that they were worried about professional liability. He said it wasn’t like he asked them about touch generally. He said it came out of a conversation about his feelings about touch, and therapy, and what it might mean. He realized that he wasn’t comfortable with touch like that and that any touch wouldn’t feel genuinely caring to me.  He said that he was concerned about the integrity of therapy (whatever that means). He also said he realized that he might not have been having the conversation about touch in good faith with me because his own feelings were that it wasn’t a good thing and he hadn’t said that so continuing to discuss it as a possibility.felt wrong.

So I felt oddly relieved that he had admitted how he felt because I have been feeling that he wasn’t open to comforting touch but he kept saying he was and I was misinterpreting his reserve. I also hadn’t ever discussed the specifics of what kind of touch I wanted or how it could be safe for each of us because I felt like that would have been trying to get him to agree to it. So he told me that he hoped I would continue in therapy with him because he thought we could work through my feeling alone in therapy without touch during the session. I told him I believed that was true in principle but we hadn’t found a way to work through it over the years even when touch was a supposed possibility. I said I didn’t think I would ever be able to talk about the fact I wanted him to comfort me and what it meant to me now that I knew he wasn’t willing to do it and it seems to me that I need to be able to discuss how I want to be comforted and how I feel that he won’t and all the feelings that it brings up in me.

I left his office and wasn’t very upset but I think I should be.  I told him recently that I thought I would quit therapy when he said he wouldn’t touch me because we had been discussing it for so long and I knew I would feel like it was about me, that I was damaged and repulsive.  I said I thought I could have accepted him not touching me earlier in therapy but now it felt so much more important but I don’t really feel anything right now. Maybe I’m just in the lull before the pain hits me but that isn’t like me.  I am irritated that instead of telling me his theory of therapy or how he thought we would be able to work through this impasse instead he focused on telling me that he wouldn’t touch me which I had been reconsidering after I tried to talk to him about my feelings about him sitting near me in January.

Pain

Tonight in therapy I started to cry over the things that I can’t have.  I can’t have parents who care about who I am and how I feel.  I live with an almost unrelenting fear of rejection and the less someone needs me the more I expect they will leave.  I wish I could blame M for how alone and broken I feel but the truth is I have felt that way for a lot longer than I have known M.  I kept hoping there would be some magic in therapy, that if M cared about me and was willing to show it that would change how I feel about myself.  Right now, in the dark, I have to admit getting angry that M doesn’t tell me he cares about me and how much pain I’m in is a distraction from the bigger pain, the feeling that there is something irrevocably broken in me.  The certainty that I have that there is something wrong with me which means even if someone says they care about me I can’t take it in.  I find ways to discount it because they don’t really know me or they are trying to be kind.  I try so hard to look for evidence that I matter but I don’t believe it anyway.