I sent M an email telling him that my childhood friend was missing as I described in my last post. M called me when he got the email to talk to me even though our session was later that day. It was a very difficult day and by the time my session started they had found the body dumped in a field and arrested the suspected family member. We spent most of the session talking about my friend and the horrific fallout from her murder by a family member. It is so hard to imagine what could have happened that ended in murder. M was shocked and even sad for a lot of my session.
Near the end of the session I finally switched the subject with great difficulty and managed to admit to M that it really bothered me that I had called him several times the previous day to tell him about the situation. I hate that I’m so needy and dependent on him. I know rationally that there was nothing he could do about the situation. I have a husband, two sisters, two close friends and coworkers who I talked to and they were all very supportive and I still wanted to talk to M. I am afraid that for the rest of my life when something happens I’m going to want to call M and eventually that won’t be possible. M was very accepting of my neediness as usual. He assured me again that the dependence will change with time and won’t always feel this intense. I said how can you know for sure maybe I’ll be different than other people. It doesn’t even make sense because I hate going to therapy. It is painful and difficult and challenging and I regularly want to quit and I still count on him.
After the session I felt better about the situation. I am more centered and grounded after talking to M. It is amazing to me what acceptance and understanding can do for me. So as much as I hate therapy I know it helps so I’ll keep going.