Things get worse and better

I sent M an email telling him that my childhood friend was missing as I described in my last post. M called me when he got the email to talk to me even though our session was later that day. It was a very difficult day and by the time my session started they had found the body dumped in a field and arrested the suspected family member. We spent most of the session talking about my friend and the horrific fallout from her murder by a family member. It is so hard to imagine what could have happened that ended in murder. M was shocked and even sad for a lot of my session.

Near the end of the session I finally switched the subject with great difficulty and managed to admit to M that it really bothered me that I had called him several times the previous day to tell him about the situation. I hate that I’m so needy and dependent on him. I know rationally that there was nothing he could do about the situation. I have a husband, two sisters, two close friends and coworkers who I talked to and they were all very supportive and I still wanted to talk to M. I am afraid that for the rest of my life when something happens I’m going to want to call M and eventually that won’t be possible. M was very accepting of my neediness as usual. He assured me again that the dependence will change with time and won’t always feel this intense. I said how can you know for sure maybe I’ll be different than other people. It doesn’t even make sense because I hate going to therapy. It is painful and difficult and challenging and I regularly want to quit and I still count on him.

After the session I felt better about the situation. I am more centered and grounded after talking to M. It is amazing to me what acceptance and understanding can do for me. So as much as I hate therapy I know it helps so I’ll keep going.

Hospital, fear, exhaustion

In the middle of last night, at 3:11am to be precise, my husband and I woke up to our youngest crying. While I comforted my son my husband went to the washroom and then I heard the stool shake and the door rattle followed by a thud. When I got there my husband was trying to stand up. He got part way up before he crumpled and fell into the bath. He was awake but had trouble forming sentences and felt generally weak. Everytime he tried to get up he would fall over again. There was no sign of weakness on one side of his body. After 20 minutes I called an ambulance and they took him to the hospital for evaluation.

I joined him after I got someone to stay with my children. His blood work and heart were fine. They did a CT scan of his head which turned out to be normal. The doctors think he either had a small stroke, a transient ischemic attack (TIA), or a seizure. Next week he will have to see a neurologist for further tests. I brought him home and we are both exhausted from our disrupted night. I’m also afraid. It is hard to imagine my husband not being there, in control, and able to take care of me. He is 10 years older than me but he comes froma long-lived family so I’ve always joked that I can count on him living longer. I’m starting to feel like life will not give me a break so I can catch my breath.