I haven’t written a post in two months. Every time I think about writing I feel like so much has happened and none of it makes sense so I can’t but I miss blogging. So the quick summary of the last two months is that my health isn’t good and I haven’t been able to lose weight, my husband and I have had some horribly, difficult discussions and we are continuing to see our marriage therapist. Therapy with M has been hard.
I feel incredibly different things about therapy and M at different times. Between the sessions I have mainly felt positive and hopeful. I think about things I want to discuss with him and I rarely worry that he is tired of me or angry that I’ve contacted him or that I’m wasting his time. That has been good and I’ve actually had productive days where I got a lot of things done at home. Then I go into a session and I’m quiet. I can remember what I wanted to discuss with M but in the session it no longer seems important or relevant. It has all the emotional energy of telling him what was on sale in the cafeteria today at lunch. Then I start to feel frustrated and stupid and by the time I leave I’m upset but by the next morning I’m back to thinking how great therapy will be because next time I’m going to discuss things. I feel incredibly grateful to have M as a therapist until I sit in his office and it seems like all the positive feelings I have disappear. I practically have whiplash from the drastic changes in how I feel about M and therapy.
Last week while talking to M about things I needed or wanted from other people he started asking what I wanted from him and therapy and I was so angry I couldn’t stop myself from saying “why would I tell you what I need, when I do you just ignore me anyway”. The week after I wrote my last post about finding the lost child inside me, M told me he thought it was important for me to bring that child into therapy but I think when I do he doesn’t respond to her. At both my sessions this week we talked about why I feel like he is ignoring my needs or wants and I tried to describe how I feel so differently about him and therapy that I feel like I’m made up of little pieces that are getting further and further apart. It is so confusing.
I can’t believe that I haven’t blogged in three weeks. In one way lots of things have happened and in another way I am stuck in the same place. Writing about anything seems so difficult because my thoughts and feelings change so rapidly I can’t seem to stay with any topic long enough to write a blog post. So I am giving you fair warning that this will be confusing.
I spent 10 days at the cottage with my family (a cottage is a small, rustic home on a little lake in case you didn’t know). It was relaxing even though the weather wasn’t wonderful. There were a couple of day it rained almost all day and one day that I stayed inside because it was too cold but I read a lot (10 novels) and slept and played games. The vacation meant I missed a couple of therapy sessions which is always anxiety provoking for me. The session before my holiday was a good one. I read M an email that I wrote telling him that when I am crying and he is looking at me and asking the occasional question I feel like I am under a microscope. I feel completely disconnected from him. I start to worry that he is angry or frustrated by my crying and just waiting for me to start talking which makes it impossible to talk about anything. I think it is the first time I managed to read an email I had written because usually I am ashamed and just stop. It was hard but afterwards we managed to discuss a memory I had of my father observing and judging me and how much M reminds me of my father when he just sits silently watching me. I don’t know if we can do things differently but I think he understands me and my feelings better.
I’ve started a new blog after my husband confessed that he had been reading my blog for the last eighteen months and he wanted to talk about something I wrote about at the beginning of May. My husband and I had just started seeing a therapist together when this happened and I have spent over five years in individual therapy. I was shocked that my husband had a read a post in which I talked about looking for casual sex partners and he hadn’t said or done anything for three weeks. I was guilty and ashamed of myself. But I was also angry because he was reading my blog without talking to me about it. When I started it I asked him if he wanted to know the address and he said No, it was mine. I can’t quite believe that he read all those posts and didn’t discuss them with me. There must have been many times that I talked to him about what I was feeling and he had already read my posts about it.
Since then we have had three sessions with the marriage therapist. We are both committed to our relationship and our family. My husband said that he only read my blog if I seemed to be very upset or struggling with something. He felt better when he read my blog and it gave him some idea of what I was feeling. Of course, I asked him why he didn’t ask me what I was feeling. His answer was that sometimes when he asked me how I felt I gave him short, dismissive answers and he didn’t want to pry into my business. I think he is afraid of what I might tell him, afraid it will be more than he can handle, afraid he won’t respond appropriately. We’ve been trying an exercise where we share the best and worst part of our day with each other everyday and it seems to be helping us share how we feel with each other. As for the blog my husband has agreed to not search for my new blog so I am going to return to blogging.