Today during my session, M and I started with an easy discussion about what I did this weekend and how my children were, blah, blah, blah. When M switched to the topic of therapy, he started by discussing some of the reasons I have given him in the past for why I don’t think he is interested in talking about topics important to me. Things like, he doesn’t ask me about certain topics, or his response when I bring up the topic. Then he asked me if there were any other things that gave me the impression that he didn’t want to talk about things. I said probably the feeling I had that certain subjects were wrong. That it wasn’t okay to talk about how I feel about him or how I wished he would touch me to comfort me. I told him that when I was talking to my marriage therapist and the session started to focus on the difficulty I have been having with my own therapist I said it felt wrong to me to talk about my own issues instead of couple issues. He challenged my belief that it was wrong because he said that things that were difficult for me were also affecting my relationship with my husband. He said it was no different from us spending 20 minutes discussing my husbands work stress (which we do regularly) because his work stress affects our relationship. I don’t remember what exactly M said next but it certainly wasn’t anything to challenge my feeling that it is wrong to talk about how I feel about him.
The session continued with some discussion of triggers and how I can identify if I have been triggered. He asked if I would tell him or my husband if I felt triggered and I said “yes, if I could understand it” but if not I was more likely to keep it to myself and try to figure it out. The session was very low-key. I didn’t get upset about anything and we didn’t delve too deeply into any subject. When I left he shook my hand and I noticed, again, that he didn’t try touching my arm or shoulder. I understand why he doesn’t do things that I think would comfort me or help me feel safer with him but that hasn’t stopped me from wishing he would. I wrote him an email when I got home saying I didn’t really understand what more we could do. I could come in and tell him I wish he had said something about my feelings about him, something like he thought it was important to discuss, or I could come in and say I wish you would sit beside me and let me lean on you but I’ve done that before and after I say something like that he explains why he doesn’t respond that way. I understand his reasons but I don’t know what happens next. He isn’t going to change how he does therapy. I don’t think that I am going to change what I want. And once again, I’m back to talking about quitting therapy because it is hopeless. I didn’t tell him I was quitting. I’m not actually thinking about it. Instead I was explaining to him how every session leads me back to that being the solution to our impasse. Trying to quit is so painful so for now I’m not quitting. I’m just trying to be with the hopelessness.
My Continuing Journey 