I haven’t written a post in two months. Every time I think about writing I feel like so much has happened and none of it makes sense so I can’t but I miss blogging. So the quick summary of the last two months is that my health isn’t good and I haven’t been able to lose weight, my husband and I have had some horribly, difficult discussions and we are continuing to see our marriage therapist. Therapy with M has been hard.
I feel incredibly different things about therapy and M at different times. Between the sessions I have mainly felt positive and hopeful. I think about things I want to discuss with him and I rarely worry that he is tired of me or angry that I’ve contacted him or that I’m wasting his time. That has been good and I’ve actually had productive days where I got a lot of things done at home. Then I go into a session and I’m quiet. I can remember what I wanted to discuss with M but in the session it no longer seems important or relevant. It has all the emotional energy of telling him what was on sale in the cafeteria today at lunch. Then I start to feel frustrated and stupid and by the time I leave I’m upset but by the next morning I’m back to thinking how great therapy will be because next time I’m going to discuss things. I feel incredibly grateful to have M as a therapist until I sit in his office and it seems like all the positive feelings I have disappear. I practically have whiplash from the drastic changes in how I feel about M and therapy.
Last week while talking to M about things I needed or wanted from other people he started asking what I wanted from him and therapy and I was so angry I couldn’t stop myself from saying “why would I tell you what I need, when I do you just ignore me anyway”. The week after I wrote my last post about finding the lost child inside me, M told me he thought it was important for me to bring that child into therapy but I think when I do he doesn’t respond to her. At both my sessions this week we talked about why I feel like he is ignoring my needs or wants and I tried to describe how I feel so differently about him and therapy that I feel like I’m made up of little pieces that are getting further and further apart. It is so confusing.