It is hard to believe that this is my 200th post and my last post on this blog. My husband has promised that he would stop reading my blog but I am concerned that if I continue writing here then at some point he will be tempted to read what I have written so I’ve started a new blog. For obvious reasons I am not going to publish the new address here but if you would like me to send you the address then comment here or contact me. We have been working with our marriage therapist and while it has been painful and difficult for us both, it has also allowed us to work on some patterns and problems that have existed for our entire relationship. Thank you all for your support over the years.
I’ve started a new blog after my husband confessed that he had been reading my blog for the last eighteen months and he wanted to talk about something I wrote about at the beginning of May. My husband and I had just started seeing a therapist together when this happened and I have spent over five years in individual therapy. I was shocked that my husband had a read a post in which I talked about looking for casual sex partners and he hadn’t said or done anything for three weeks. I was guilty and ashamed of myself. But I was also angry because he was reading my blog without talking to me about it. When I started it I asked him if he wanted to know the address and he said No, it was mine. I can’t quite believe that he read all those posts and didn’t discuss them with me. There must have been many times that I talked to him about what I was feeling and he had already read my posts about it.
Since then we have had three sessions with the marriage therapist. We are both committed to our relationship and our family. My husband said that he only read my blog if I seemed to be very upset or struggling with something. He felt better when he read my blog and it gave him some idea of what I was feeling. Of course, I asked him why he didn’t ask me what I was feeling. His answer was that sometimes when he asked me how I felt I gave him short, dismissive answers and he didn’t want to pry into my business. I think he is afraid of what I might tell him, afraid it will be more than he can handle, afraid he won’t respond appropriately. We’ve been trying an exercise where we share the best and worst part of our day with each other everyday and it seems to be helping us share how we feel with each other. As for the blog my husband has agreed to not search for my new blog so I am going to return to blogging.
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.”
My daughter brought home a poster she had made which had this quote on it. When I read it I was struck by the truth of it. I have always felt like a failure when I’ve realized that I’ve fallen short of my goals and I’ve sheepishly promised myself I would try again tomorrow. This gave me the gift of seeing myself differently. It isn’t easy to keep trying but I do.